I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
