he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
