I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
