oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
