i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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