I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
