I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
