I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
