You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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