I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
