I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
