Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
