I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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