I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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