Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
