when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
