To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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