I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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