Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
