If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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