the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
