The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
