for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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