you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
