Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
