Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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