I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Couch. On fire.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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