dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I can't put those talents on a resume
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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