Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
