just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
we're so committed to being not committed
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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