Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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