your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
