She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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