I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
