Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
