nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Everyone says I win the strip club
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