She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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