Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
