Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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