I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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