A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
