I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
