the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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