I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
