Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
as a side note pls kill me
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
