Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
