YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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