we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
BRING THE BAGELS
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
