Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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