piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
